the black hole

you know what?
i'm stuck here alive
or something like it
like it or not

others turn inwards
and escape their private bell jar
by turning off their lights
a murderer and corpse in one
hanging the pain on the rest
left mourning our absent friend
i can't hurt people like that

but: how many of us are accidental humans?
what twinkle were we in our fathers' eye
that made him forget to keep it in his trousers?
should you have been here?
do you know?
i do. i shouldn't. that's the truth

but here i am
being punished for a crime i didn't commit
by being here
by getting older
watching it all go by
and feeling that keen loss
of someone who did what i couldn't
and the cold ripples of hurt amongst his friends

but to not exist
to never have been
to vanish without trace
a life down the collective memory hole
just gone, not mourned, no sadness or loss
could i turn off that sparkle
and drift off into the empty black hole
of not being
i could live with that