in the future, all conspiracies will be delivered as flat-packed, self-assembly models for your convenience. loose screws and secret passwords not included
in the future, all police batons will be painted in bright friendly colours, pepper spray will smell of roses, riot shields will feature edgy street art, and water cannon will also dispense bubbles. police beatings will be an aesthetically pleasing and culturally enriching experience for the whole family
in the future, all cells will be decorated tastefully by the latest interior designers. your bed will be of memory concrete and the electric shock machine will be by Phillipe Starck. waterboarding will use only San Pellegrino spring water and sleep will be deprived by the latest X Factor hits. your cold chicken's-feet-and-potato-peel soup will be delivered by a liveried waiter with a cheery smile. we hope you enjoy your prison-cultural experience
in the future, the standard NSA spyware on every computer will send you the cutest kitten pics, the funniest memes, the cheapest viagra, and will assist you with lost passwords. we're putting the "Service" back into "Secret Service". we hope you enjoy your complete loss of online privacy
in the future, all elections will be talent contests and voting will be via premium-rate text message. contestants will deliver 30-second soundbites to a panel of judges chosen from the press, military and corporate worlds. challenging or subversive opinions will be eliminated in the first round. x-democracy - it's the modern way
in the future, all data will be filtered for your protection. be safe - don't trust your flaky judgment to decide what's good for you. to opt out of this service, please visit your local Subversives Registration Office or contact your Internet Surveillance Provider at weloveyou@gov.uk
in the future, government lies will contain only artificial sweeteners. join us in the fight against truth decay by tweeting your preferred illusions to @ilovebigbrother. first 5000 tweeters get free mental floss (orwellian terms and conditions apply)
in the future, information supplied to the authorities about your friends and family will be rewarded with air miles and points on your loyalty card. join this scheme by tweeting the hashtag #surveillanceisprivacy to @mi5
in the future, pre-natal DNA screening will mean a 60% discount on your health insurance. genetic anomalies will be classed as pre-existing conditions and excluded from your coverage. for more info tweet us @designerbabies, where you can download our free magazine "Popular Eugenics". be responsible: use in-vitro
in the future, all books will consist of links to other books and be exactly 140 characters long. complex thoughts will have to stop mid-sen
in the future, everyone will be a totally unique individual, just like everyone else. we will celebrate our diversity in identical ways, do anything we want (as long as it's pretty much the same as usual), and find our very own way of following the herd. be different: choose uniformity
in the future, all activism, self-help, criticism of authorities, community projects, self-determination, grassroots organisation, creative public works, and associated activities, will be in contravention of the Prevention of Doing Anything Act (2016) and subject to 10 years of crushing boredom and the loss of your internet connection
in the future, your cyborg helper will read this for you, but will censor the interesting parts - for your own protection
in
the future, dreams will be taxed at a content-related rate. surreal and
erotic dreams must be confessed to your local Dream Fee Officer. only
positive dreams will be taxable - the nightmare begins when you wake up
