a certain Miss Anchant got me writing letters...here goes. this is a letter to Michael Gove, written in 2016
...........
dear Michael (att your press officer)
thanks for the invite to your tour of the Modern Free Academy school. The flight back from west Wales was fun and of course the champagne and oysters were fab. i really appreciate what a risk it is you're taking by adopting some of the more radical ideas - homeschooling, hands-on learning in a 'real-world' environment, with a dash of Montessori - which must be a pain to implement. after all, the Tories are known to be rather conservative in these matters ('lol') and i take my hat off to your courage and far-sightedness in reforming our failing education system. too many kids these days leave school with unrealistic expectations of the world of work and i'm so pleased you're helping eradicate this particularly form of cruelty.
i'd appreciate it, however, if you could get your people to clear a few things up:
- you took pains to explain about the 'hands-on' aspect and i can see that a coalmine is a real educational opportunity: combining geology, woodwork and physical exercise is a true masterstroke. however, as most of the children appeared to be almost naked, i wonder if you've considered that this might attract paedophiles into teaching?
- you've talked many a time about the loss of family values and i agree: something must be done. i'm so pleased that the kids all eat together. it all went a bit quickly and i couldn't see what was in the pot, but i was rather worried about their lack of manners. some of the younger children were simply pushed aside in the rush. on the plus side, the potatoes and turnips weren't served too hot so none of them got their fingers burned eating lunch. and no plates means no washing up? what a brilliant move: you're putting our taxes to the best possible use by saving where you can
- i was also a little concerned about this 'unschooling' business. i know it's all about the kid's own curiosity, but do the staff have to be so uninvolved? i admit that six teachers to 200 kids is about as efficient a use of teaching resources as i've ever seen, but they didn't appear to do anything but stand around leaning on their walking sticks (as a note: i'll use this to work a 'jobs for the disabled' angle into the article). i'm sure there are many qualified candidates to be had amongst the priests that seem to be leaving the Catholic church in droves these days - most with excellent references - so perhaps you've gone a bit too far on this one
- most of all, i'm concerned about how the coal produced might affect our carbon footprint. i know it's getting colder at these latitudes but my place in the south of France is now unbearably hot in summer
and Banham is definitely the right man for the job. we need more schools run by people with real-world business experience and his time spent running coalmines is very relevant for the task in hand
anyway, see you at Nat's bash in Capri: can you remind Gideon to keep his mouth shut next time? last time he blabbed to the press about Mandelson and that Deripaska bloke and i had to pull in a few favours to stop that one 'going viral', as they say these days
cheers, Paul Dacre
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with thanks to Emma for the inspiration
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