(not mine: i found this online many years ago, about 1996)
There once was a young person named Little
Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large
forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that
would probably provide a cure for cancer if only
someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom
she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she
didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have
thought less if the person if a close biological link
did not in fact exist.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of
organically grown fruit and mineral water to her
grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the
unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the
right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had
called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate
mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me
to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was
impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all
womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that
she's sick and hence unable to independently further her
own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her
grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or
mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not
to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what
some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the
idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding
and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this
was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled
by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an
exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural
predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed
a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine
some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who
asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to
strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own
budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful
snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little
girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive
in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status
as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to
develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll
excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded
towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him
from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the
Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of
action affirmative of his nature as a predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role
notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the
bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,
"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks
to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting
career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs,
and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he
leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened
his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother
cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely
shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding
to a new level of intimacy!"
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the
cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red
Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing
a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to
poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college
entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered
species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper,
and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden
motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf.
"The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I
was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking
those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have
such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
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