i wrote this a week or so ago with the intention of performing it at Glastonbury Assembly Rooms yesterday night, where we had a great Winter Solstice Community Gathering. i didn't though: i hadn't taken the trouble to learn it - and i think reading on stage is really naff. anyway, it's to the meter of The Night Before Christmas. i hope you enjoy it
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Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
just one creature was stirring - he was clicking a mouse
the flatscreen was glowing, for political geeks
found the holes in the cover and out sprang Wikileaks
but this christmas was bleak, Dad had just lost his job
over joining the union, and not shutting his gob
and his sister the student, protesting the cuts
got beaten with truncheons, no if and no buts...
so no presents this year, not festive and jolly
some dickhead had stolen their tree and the holly
and mistletoe, well, he'd tried it for weeks
but the girls at his school just don't go for geeks
but this won't be a tale of intrigue and scandal
or the crown of a holy tree lopped by a vandal
whose currency was an exchange of pure ire
aimed perhaps at an ex-mayor whose arse is on fire
and it won't be about all the crap you can buy
while the soap on the telly brings a tear to your eye
or the turkey you stuffed and are eating for dinner
or some bloke in a dress telling you you're a sinner
our geeky friend loaded his weapon of choice
a laptop computer that gave him a voice
not a riot, he thought there's a cleverer way
and it's just like a game...and i like to play
so he got on a chatroom and with a few clicks
he found out how to pull off some pretty neat tricks
bombarded some websites with masses of data
so for everything else there's...bye! see you later
his low orbit ion cannon blasted like hell
the targets he aimed at wobbled and fell
but he wasn't alone. there was a knock at the door
who could it be? and at half past four?
a man and a woman was what he saw there
the woman was pregnant, the man had white hair
no sleigh and no reindeer, no stocking and orange
but the king of the geeks - it was Julian Assange!
he said 'hello mate, i know how this looks
but the motel is full and they think i'm a crook
so now we're reduced to asking a stranger
cos no way is my kid being born in a manger!
but Julian! he cried, you're arrested for rape!
he replied, with some things, i'm an ignorant ape
i fell for her charms, but i should have known better
cos one leak i don't like is a broken french letter
look on the bright side, he said, it's a mess
but for once in my life, i've got an address!
and people now know i'm a red-blooded male
and i'm discovering all of the leaks in that jail!
so he opened the door and invited them in
i don't care, he thought, if they say it's a sin
he's my hero, he thought, and he might have his faults
but no way should the bastards have dragged him to court!
he gave them his bed and made them some tea
and they talked about what it might mean to be free
of the burden of debt and the misery caused
by the bankers who dictate our government's laws
and the mess we're all in, when it's amply apparent
that things only get better when it's all transparent!
stuff the lies and deception and disinformation
and the horrors committed 'neath the flag of this nation
where the good people try to be good to each other
while some others cash in and would sell their own mother
if it suited them. and they talked until late
when suddenly Julian said 'hey, this is great
but i've work to do. i'm not one for slacking
let me borrow your laptop, and i'll do me some hacking
so Julian sat up and put things in order
while the Three Wise Men got detained at the border
no baby was born, no need for a doctor
no star in the sky, just a black helicopter...
when our geeky friend woke the next day, they were gone
did he dream it all up? no, he couldn't have done
the note on the desk was real, and the chair
had a sweaty bum-print, and a lot of white hair...
and later that day, well what a surprise!
a courier van full of parcels arrived
full of presents and food, and a christmas tree too
it was clear that someone had sent it, but who?
so he looked at the note that he'd brushed to the floor
it said 'thankyou mate' and, what was more
'merry Christmas to your dad and your sis and your mother
but mostly to you, for helping a brother'
'the gifts are all paid for, so don't lose any sleep
i hope they're the right ones, and nothing was cheap
my bank account's frozen, so i couldn't pay
but those tax-dodgers Vodaphone sent some my way. hey hey!'
so merry Solstice and Christmas and Hannukah too
we're just here for the love and the peace and it's true
that while we may be in a small spot of bother
there's nothing that can stop us being good to each other
